When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
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Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house