😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
You Might Also Like
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I want to meet the individual who made this
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?