Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
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Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
The Onion called it…again.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
this chia pet tastes awful
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.