[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
You Might Also Like
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.