Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
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I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
first you must answer his riddles
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
We’ve all been there…
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me