When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
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by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
🌱🌱🌱
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Had to try this trend 😊
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax