Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
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if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
this will hang in the louvre one day
The Birdles
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.