I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
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Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”