*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
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My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.