Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
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a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.