Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
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My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!