I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
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I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
This has made my week.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.