ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
You Might Also Like
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed