im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
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How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]