I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Did my cat write this
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes