Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
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HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.