There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
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1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
you’re so productive for your wage
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.