I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
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My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Lmao
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I feel attacked.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.