[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
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this country is so goddamn polarized
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
That was easy.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.