Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
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Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
My dad is at it again
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken