“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
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My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up