WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
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My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan