Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
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reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.