Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
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Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.