*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
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Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
me as a parent
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
there’s probably a fee though
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…