In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
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Welcome
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?