There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
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Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Never be a pizza!
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*