My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
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These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard