I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
You Might Also Like
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Living the best life.. 😊
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Bless you
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried