Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
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Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
me adding lol on a serious message
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.