true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
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Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.