Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
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I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email