As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
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[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
If I ignore life will it go away?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Muppet Screams
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so