ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
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The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books