Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
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If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
mom gave me mine for free
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.