I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
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“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Word.
~ Microsoft.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Sounds like a bargain
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.