“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
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Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.