Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
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Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
me after drinking all the wine:
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.