I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
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Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.