[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
You Might Also Like
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!