I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
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Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss