That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
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person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this