3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
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mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.