wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
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I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable