Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
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Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Siri, fight Alexa.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.