“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
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Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
my fav colour is also hitler
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life