12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
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Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”