[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
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*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Just so funny
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.