What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
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A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I’ve had relationships like this
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Shark week, but for squirrels.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs