ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
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A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Cndnsd Mlk
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March